Turbo-La Rasa
by SanjouinDacapo
Summary: Mr. Litwak has bought a new classic arcade machine, and one look has sent almost everyone in Game Central into a panic. Can they keep history from repeating itself, or will Ralph end up wrecking everything? Warning - some violence and a little naughty humour.
1. Chapter 1

Here's a Wreck-It Ralph fic I wrote some time ago, since plot-bunnies were demanding that I write, and well, the title is a word-play on Tabula Rasa, or Blank Slate. This is a what-if story, as I was thinking, 'what if Mr. Litwak bought a classic Turbo Time machine? Anyhoo, on with the story!

* * *

Ralph could not believe his eyes. As the Nicelanders threw him off the building during the game's 'eyecatch' mode, he saw a rather old-looking arcade machine being wheeled into the arcade. It was one of those nights when everyone had to put off their usual breaks from their programming. Any behaviour that strayed from the norm could very well earn them an unplugging. The addition of a new or old arcade system wasn't what bugged him; every now and then a new set of faces showed up, new good guys and bad guys to make friends with. No, what took Ralph by surprise and almost made him mess up his usual belly-flop into the mud was the familiar-looking artwork and lettering on the side of the machine: Turbo Time.

"WHAT?" Ralph cried out as he splashed into the mud puddle. The mud didn't hurt him, as Ralph was programmed to be strong enough to fall from several floors without even suffering a bruise. Once the humans were out, he was going to discuss this with Felix and the rest of the gang.

In the bonus demo, Q*Bert and his buddies seemed worried as well. Ralph couldn't blame them; they had been around for over thirty years, and they had seen first-hand the damage Turbo had done to both his game and the new one – the name of which escaped them as it had been unplugged so quickly. He knew it was kind of silly to worry about this Turbo, as he would be 'brand new' unless someone had fitted the system with some kind of device to preserve the game's 'memory'.

Still, Ralph and the others could not shake the whole incident from their minds; Turbo had taken over Sugar Rush and messed with the memories of all its citizens, mutilating the programming of their true ruler Vanellope Von Schweetz. Ralph's own colossal blunder in Hero's Duty almost destroyed Sugar Rush when he had inadvertently brought a cybug egg into that world. In the end, that mistake turned out to be a blessing in disguise – had Ralph stayed where he was, Turbo would have been able to keep up his charade as 'King Candy'. He could only imagine what kind of mayhem this Turbo could wreak, and the giant couldn't stop playing a million different scenarios in his head as he and the others went through the motions.

The 'All Clear' from Yumi in "Dance Dance Revolution" snapped Ralph and the others out of their grim reverie, and they all headed inside the Niceland condo.

"What the heck is going on out there?" Ralph blurted out as soon as he squeezed (with some care) inside.

Felix slumped down on one of the couches and and panted a few times. Usually he wasn't this winded, but it was clear the superintendent was extremely upset.

"I don't know, Ralph," he replied, "But this could be very bad! What if he decides to go Turbo like that... other Turbo did?"

Q*Bert just peered out the window, his legs shaking. Wrongway and Ug hopped over to their friend and both gave him a reassuring pat on the back, but it was clear that they were as worried as he was. Coily, Slick and Sam joined them, having grown close during those long years of homelessness. Coily wrapped himself around Q*Bert in a sort of a 'hug', and Q*Bert responded by wrapping his snout around the snake.

Ralph turned to see them huddled together, and walked over to the group of old friends.

"Look, guys," he said, "Whatever happens, Felix and I won't let this Turbo pull a stunt like the old one did."

"Well I'm gonna go to Hero's Duty and alert Tamora," Felix announced, "She and her troops should be able to keep watch over Game Central."

"*^# % ?" An incredulous Q*Bert asked.

"We're not gonna bar him from Game Central yet," Felix replied, "We're gonna give him a chance."

Q*Bert replied with a bunch of other symbols, including several skulls and crossbones. Ralph was just learning Q*Bertese, but he could make out the gist of what the little round guy was saying; he didn't want other video game characters to suffer or even die from this Turbo's game-jumping.

"We're gonna see what this guy's up to, Q*Bert," Ralph reassured him, "We won't let another incident like this happen again!"

Q*Bert blinked a couple times, then hopped out of the condo. His friends followed, leaving Ralph, Felix and the Nicelanders to ponder the situation.

"So, you gonna go to Hero's Duty?"

Felix nodded.

"And you go to PacMan's to rally the other bad guys. We'll need all the help we can get."

Ralph cracked a smile and left. Clyde had seen it all too, and he'd at least be able to keep everyone calm during a crisis. As he took the tram to Game Central, Ralph prepared himself for a routine stop courtesy of the surge protector. Surprisingly, nothing happened. Either the surge protector had something better to do with his spare time, or he was busy shaking down some other bad guy. Or maybe he was just as paranoid about the latest addition as everyone in Fix-It Felix Jr. Whichever it was, Ralph welcomed his absence. Sure, the surge protector was just doing what he was programmed to do, but all these 'random security checks' really cheesed Ralph off.

He headed to PacMan, and on his way, caught sight of the Turbo Time portal. Nobody was coming in or out, and the surge protector would periodically fade in and out, looking rather perturbed. After watching the scene, as well as a few denizens of the arcade roaming the unusually empty Game Central keeping an eye on the new portal, Ralph continued to PacMan and got onto the PacMan-O-Rail. He needed to speak with Clyde about this.


	2. Chapter 2

Sgt. Calhoun was relaxing with her soldiers in Hero's Duty. While the arcade was closed, there wasn't much else to do except perimeter checks or – more importantly – making sure her soldiers didn't step on an egg. Markowski tended to be rather clumsy and even some R&R at Tapper's didn't always help. Then again, their existence wasn't the easiest; every day it was the same, shoot bugs and try to help the First Person Shooter get through the gauntlet. She felt sorry for them but didn't show it. It wasn't in her programming, and she was still fairly new to the arcade.

It was only about a year ago that she was plugged in. Shortly after her 'plug-in' day, the whole blasted Turbo incident happened. It was a nasty ordeal, but with some sweet creamy filling in the whole Armageddon-coated nightmare. She had met a nice guy, and eventually married him. They couldn't be together during the day, but at night, they could spend hours doing whatever they wanted. She only wished that they could have a baby, but doubted their code would allow that. Not to mention the deal with code mixing. At least they would live as long as their games were plugged in, or at least as long as they were able to escape their machines in the event they were retired.

She heard the portal open, and reflexively turned around, whipping out her gun. Blushing as she saw who it was, Calhoun holstered her gun.

"Felix! Oh I'm sorry about that."

"It's all dandy," Felix said, "I've gotten used to it. Besides, ya know ya can't mess with the programmin'."

Calhoun chuckled and placed an arm around Feelix's shoulder.

"So, what are you up for tonight?" she asked, "Tappers? Maybe demolishing a few cars or sparrin' with Cammy in Streetfighter II?"

Felix sighed, looking strangely glum.

"What's wrong, Felix?"

"We got a situation here," he replied, "Somethin's up in the arcade. There's a recent addition. Have you seen it?"

Calhoun shook her head.

"Nope. Been busy doin' a perimeter check. Part of the demo mode, so nobody really notices when we go a little off-script. Gotta keep my troops from accidentally hatchin' any cybug eggs. Also had to deal with some other new-additions the other day – strange people who look like us but talk funny... like 'ralalalalib tidaou' or something."

The short superintendent let out a sigh.

"It's an old system. And it ain't just any old system either – it's Turbo Time."

"Turbo Time? Thought we'd gotten rid of that game-jumpin' lunatic! Looks like we're gonna get another foul taste of Armageddon, and it's already takin' away my appetite!"

She got up and turned to her battle-weary men.

"Troops, time to move out. No fun & games tonight ladies. We got trouble with a capital T – for Turbo!"

All of the NPC troops jumped to attention with a "Sir yes SIR!", and Calhoun pulled out her hoverboard, motioning for Felix to join her. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

"Indeed, that is a potential problem," Clyde said, "I was wondering why you came in tonight. Our meeting is tomorrow, and I would like it if Turbo would be able to come."

"Are you SERIOUS?" Ralph shouted, "You know who I'm talkin' about, right?"

Clyde 'nodded' the best he could, considering he had no neck.

"I am serious. This new Turbo could have a lot of problems to deal with here, considering the reputation of the former. He will need some friends, since for the majority of the characters who live here, he is a 'bad guy'. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Ralph looked down at his feet and sighed.

"That was different!" he argued.

"Was it so different?" Clyde asked, "Think about it."

"Nobody in Turbo Time was a nasty jerk to Turbo!" Ralph countered, "Everyone there loved him!"

"Did they?"

"Well I've never been there. Wasn't so into all this racing stuff until last year."

"Think it over," Clyde told him, "If bad is all that we expect him to be, then those expectations may fulfill themselves."

"Maybe you're right," Ralph sighed, "So, what should I do? Go toodle over to Turbo Time and have a little chit-chat with Mr. I'm-The-Best?"

At that, Clyde grinned, which Ralph took as a 'yes'.

"The key to harmony in this game world is understanding one another," Clyde continued, "Which reminds me. These newcomers who speak a strange language despite looking like you and Felix... we should learn to talk to them as well."

"Yeah, maybe," Ralph grumbled, sauntering out of the ghost-room.


	3. Chapter 3

The area around the Turbo Time portal was crowded. All of Calhoun's men had their guns trained on the opening, which unsettled the surge protector more than a little. A few other video game characters passed by, glancing nervously at the spectacle. One of them looked unfamiliar, though with the population of Game Central, he could have been just an obscure NPC. This one was wearing a brown suit and tie, and was blond with a bowl cut. He had a mustache and goatee, and wore large, green-tinted glasses.

"Are ya sure he ain't gonna turn into a giant cybug-Turbo like last time?" one of the men asked.

"Negative," Calhoun snapped, "Someone would have to bring a cybug into that sugar-bowl of a racing game, and then one of those bugs would hafta eat Turbo! And nobody here is dumb enough to do that again... not this time anyway."

"Can't believe I'm doin' this," Ralph grumbled as he approached the area.

At the sound of his voice, Calhoun and her troops whirled around and trained their guns on the giant man.

"Great. Just when I thought this couldn't get any worse."

"State your business, civilian!" Calhoun yelled.

"I'm just... just goin' into Turbo Time," Ralph mumbled, annoyed at being pushed into this and at the entourage he would have to get through to go into that stupid game.

He was on quite amicable terms with everyone present, but still, something told him his little assignment was just going to get a lot more difficult.

"Goin' in, huh? Not without an escort! Remember, if you die outside your game, you're history – Game Over!"

"Turbo doesn't KILL people!" Ralph yelled, "Isn't it kinda stupid to point a buncha guns at a video game character that DOESN'T KILL YOU?"

"Well," Felix chuckled nervously, "You actually do kinda kill me in our game."

"Ugh. You know what I mean!" Ralph growled, "Turbo doesn't kill people! And I don't see any bricks around here. Besides, when have I ever actually tried to kill someone outside my own game?"

"Hey, I was joking!"

Ralph slapped his forehead in disgust, then stomped over to the crowd.

"Well HA HA. Very funny! Now let me in there! Clyde suggested I talk to this bozo, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. So, is anyone gonna shoot at me and risk making everyone else in Fix-It Felix Jr. homeless?"

There was a pause for a second, then Calhoun sighed and motioned for her men to stand down. She walked up calmly to Ralph, then grabbed him by his tattered shirt. A very stern look mixed with worry was on her face.

"Fine," she said, "But don't go doing anything stupid! If you aren't back within one hour, we're comin' in after you, 'cause if there's one thing I hate, it's losin' a valuable man. Even one with a case of halitosis that'd kill Satan himself!"

"Uh, he really doesn't have a problem with my breath," Ralph commented.

Calhoun hmphed at that remark and let go of Ralph's shirt, then watched him lumber into the portal.

Nobody in the group noticed a small, round creature sneaking in with him.

* * *

Turbo Time's world had a large stadium and a simple, generic racetrack with a stage in the middle. On the stage was a platform, which had three steps – the highest for first place, and the lowest for last. A cheer rose from the crowds, and a familiar voice yelling "Turbo-tastic!" caught Ralph off-guard. He yelped and jumped out of the way as a small race car zoomed by, almost missing him.

"Wow," Ralph breathed as he watched the little man racing ahead of two others, "I really gotta get into shape."

"AAAND THE WINNER IS – TURBO!" and unseen announcer called out over the loudspeakers.

Turbo and the others got out of their cars and headed over to the platform. A man walked over and handed Turbo a metal, and Turbo, grinning with glee, pushed the other two off of the platform.

One racer let out an "Ouch!"

"Oh I'm gonna hate doin' this for thirty years," the other complained.

Incensed at that display, Ralph ran onto the stage, ready to beat the bits out of Turbo.

"Hey!" the burly bad guy yelled, "You don't hafta be a jerk just 'cause you won!"

He grabbed Turbo roughly by the jacket and lifted him to his face, shaking the tiny racer until his eyes grew wide as the serving platter for Felix's anniversary cake.

"Wh-who are you?" Turbo stammered, his face first turning white from terror, then green from nausea, "And... blegh! Ugh... can't you brush your teeth before you strike ten million kinds of fear into a guy?"

"I'm Ralph, from Fix-It Felix Jr.," Ralph snarled, "And I came here 'cause a good friend of mine said I should talk to you, since you're new around here!"

"Y-you're not from this game?" Turbo asked, looking ready to soil himself.

"No," Ralph snapped, "And you better stick to your own game, if you're gonna be a colossal jerk just 'cause you won!"

"Well that's a relief," Turbo snorted, "Because if getting terrorized by you was part of the game, I would quit!"

Then he did a double-take.

"And who is being a jerk here?" he countered, "What's the big idea jumping into my game just to tell me to stay put?"

"Just don't go game-jumpin' and erasin' the memories of other game characters just 'cause they're more popular than you. Got it?"

A confused look came over Turbo's face, but he seemed to have had enough and said, "Sure. I'll leave them alone. Now would you be so kind as to PUT ME DOWN?"

"Sure thing, pal!" Ralph spat as he threw Turbo unceremoniously onto the stage and stomped back to the portal, smiling a little as he heard the other two racers laughing.

As Ralph entered Game Central, Calhoun gave him a puzzled look.

"You're early," she noted, "How did the meeting go?"

"He's just as big of a jerk as the old one," Ralph replied, "We'd better keep an eye on him."

"How so, Ralph?" Felix asked.

"You shoulda' seen him!" Ralph explained, "I mean, I know he's programmed to knock the losers down, but he's not even being controlled by anybody!"

"He's new. When a game is first plugged in, the characters kinda hafta get settled in."

"Well I don't drop bricks on you for fun, do I?"

"Calm down, civilians," Calhoun interrupted, "Even I have a few instincts I have to keep in check. When Felix called me a 'dynamite gal', it made me remember my late fiance, and it almost ruined a wonderful relationship."

She then turned to Ralph and continued.

"And I know you have hurt some people before – including Felix and the First-Person Shooter from my game."

"Yeah, I know that," Ralph sighed.

His first encounter with the First Person Shooter had gone rather badly, and he/she – Ralph couldn't tell with some characters – still hadn't quite forgiven him.

"So we'll keep an eye on Turbo, but but don't make this situation any worse. The last thing we need is Armageddon served with a side of World War III."

"I won't," Ralph assured her, "I usually don't pick on little guys... outside my job of course."

* * *

"How do you know he was being a 'jerk', Ralph?" Clyde asked.

"I told you already – he knocked the other two racers down after winning. I mean I know it was part of the schtick, but come on! Nobody was playin' him, and he hurt them!"

"New video game characters are often like that," Clyde explained, looking disappointed, "They follow their programming even outside gameplay. You should know that."

"He didn't even look like he was sorry."

"You shouldn't judge someone from your memories of another," Clyde said, "I hope you didn't do what I think you did.

"You mean rough him up?" Ralph asked, "I gave him a 'friendly' little warning to not go game-jumping if that's what you mean."

"I seriously doubt you were 'friendly' about it. I know how you feel about bullying, but have you ever heard about becoming what you hate?"

"Nope. Am I going Turbo... again?"

"That's not what I mean. I don't want YOU to turn into a bully. You're a 'bad guy', but Ralph, I don't want you to turn into a 'bad' guy."


	4. Chapter 4

In this chapter, I did put in some characters from one of my favourite games - The Sims 2. They'll make some other appearances, and yes, in Game Central, they do speak simlish. Also, in this fanon continuity at least, Mr. Litwak does have a laptop with Sims 2 in his office. But mostly I just put them in 'cause I like Sims 2.

* * *

"Bully," Ralph grumbled as he walked through a small crowd of various characters, "Me, a bully. Fancy that."

He did a double-take at one dark-haired man in round glasses, who was wearing a blue sweater decorated with white flowers. His tummy was kind of fat, but the rest of his body looked rather fit.

The man was discussing something with another character, and word balloons appeared over his head. One of them had a picture of a green flying saucer, and then the next had a pacifier.

Ralph shook his head and went on to Sugar Rush to see the try-outs. After the incident where Turbo was outed and destroyed, that game had become almost like a second home to Ralph. He and Vanellope didn't always get along, often trading insults and the like, but she was a good friend and disliked all the frilly princess stuff.

Another thing he liked about that game was, nearly everything was edible. Maybe it wasn't the most nutritious stuff the game world offered, but most game characters didn't 'age' like humans did – at least not the player characters. Some of the ones in the fighting games, however, could turn into babies, something that always made Ralph chuckle a little. Scorpion once demonstrated that ability, but threatened to hit Ralph with a 'fatality' if he tried to burp or 'coochie coo' him.

Inside Sugar Rush, the race was about to start and several of the racers were doing some last-minute tune-ups on their karts. Vanellope saw Ralph and waved at him, before getting back to work on the mish-mash of a kart she and Ralph had made together. It didn't look like any of the others, imperfect but perfect for Vanellope. She still had the sprinkles in her hair, and the musty-looking clothes that she wore when they first met. Vanellope was no girlie-girl – she liked to climb candy cane trees and play in the chocolate mud, and could spit farther than any of the boys in her game. Officially she was a princess, but she never really acted the role and instead considered herself a 'president'. There were plans for elections, and Ralph was wondering who would be running for the position and when.

He decided to go off to grab some snacks, picking a few ears of popcorn that would pop the instant it was shucked and came in a variety of flavours, some cotton candy by the cocoa powder road, and then stopping by Moo Juice Meadow. He took a couple bottles and walked up to a black and white cow, spooking it a little.

"Uh, hey," Ralph chuckled, "Don't worry. Just here for the usual. Good ol' white milk. Preferably vitamin D milk. Good for the bones!"

The cow balked a little, but then sighed and walked up to a stool, pointed to it as if to say 'Fine, get this over with'. Ralph lifted up the cow, which was clearly designed to be milked by someone the size of Felix, positioned it over one of the open bottles, then tried to give one of the udders a gentle squeeze.

As he did, the cow let out a loud "MOOOOOOOO!" and milk gushed into the bottle. After the bottle was full, Ralph set the cow back down, and she bolted away. The giant then went to look for some chocolate cows, and found some grazing near the fence. They took one look at him, then held up a big sign saying "CHIKIN HOWS →".

"Aw geez," Ralph grumbled, "This is gonna be fun."

A few minutes later, Ralph got back to the track just as the race began, and sat himself down next to the lollypops and butterscotch candies, living candies which still hadn't quite gotten used to him becoming a regular visitor to their game. Ralph watched the action on the screen, saw one of the other racers get wiped out by a pie a la modé while Vanellope made her way to the lead. He smiled and opened one of the ears of corn, which popped and released a welcoming aroma of nacho cheese. Biting into the cheese popcorn, Ralph thought of what had transpired and what would happen if this Turbo decided to try what the last one did.

He didn't trust that Turbo, despite his being new to the arcade. The new Turbo was already being a bully to his fellow racers, and if Ralph had anything to do with it, that guy would not set foot into any of the other games – especially Sugar Rush. Ralph had seen what the other Turbo had done to this game, and he was not going to allow anyone else to hurt Vanellope.

As the race progressed, Ralph could feel something nagging him in the back of his mind. Had he done the right thing, or was what Clyde said true? Clyde had never lied to him, and he seemed to always care about the feelings of all characters – good and bad guys.

Soon, the race was over, but not before Ralph had finished off almost all the snacks he had picked. Vanellope parked her kart and ran over to Ralph, who held out the bottle of chocolate milk.

"Aww for me?" she yelled, swiping the milk and taking a long chug, "Thanks, Stink-Brain!"

Ralph wouldn't have taken that from anyone else, but with Vanellope, it was a term of endearment. He chuckled, still trying to shake that uneasy feeling.

* * *

"Who the heck was that guy?" Turbo mumbled, taking off his helmet to scratch his head.

Underneath the helmet, Turbo had typical mousey-brown hair, but the helmet was part of the getup, so none of the players would get to see it. It wasn't much to look at anyway. In fact, from the looks of the other games, Turbo himself wasn't much to look at either. There were so many cooler games, including some racing games with the most awesome-looking vehicles. One of them even had food-themed karts. His game – plain vanilla, and not even the edible kind.

"And why was I plugged in here?" he wondered, "Why would anyone wanna play my game?"

Then, he heard some strange 'boing boing' sounds, and turned to see a squat little basketball with big eyes, a long anteater nose and two legs – no arms.

"Hey," he said, "You part of my game too? I don't recall any little basketball men in my game, but I guess maybe this one's a special edition. Heh. Programmers."

The basketball/anteater hopped up to him and started talking in some weird gibberish, while various symbols appeared in a speech balloon above his head.

"Er, I'm sorry, fella, I can't understand ya," Turbo replied as he put on his helmet.

The creature spoke again, with more gibberish. One of the symbols this time was a giant exclamation point.

"Look, I can't understand you, like I said. Why are you here?"

The little basketball creature sighed and hung his 'head', so to speak.

"This is hopeless," Turbo muttered, looking at the creature, "And it looks like I'm hopeless too. Nobody will ever play my game – not with all those guys out there."

He went to the medicine cabinet mirror and looked at himself, then at the sink.

"Worst part," he whispered, "I'm supposed to be the good guy in this game. Instead, I'm bad."

A tear rolled down his cheek.

"It's my first day being plugged in," he lamented, "And already, everybody hates me. I don't even know what I did. Maybe I'm a mistake."

As he said that, Turbo heard the 'boing boing' again, and turned to see the creature leaving. Even the strange visitor thinks I'm a failure, the racer thought as he got into his bed and took a nap. Most video game characters didn't need to sleep, but they all could if they wanted to. Maybe if he slept this all off, things would get better.

Turbo was jolted awake by something jumping onto his bed. He saw a dark, round shape carrying a couple sticks with round things on them.

"Wha-who's there?" Turbo cried out, reaching for the switch on his nightstand lamp.

In the dim light, he saw the same creature from earlier, and he was carrying what looked like two candied apples, with the sticks tucked under his snout. Turbo let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh it's only you," he laughed, "What've you been up to?"

The creature of course answered with his now-familiar gibberish and dropped one of the apples onto the bed.

"That's... for me?" Turbo asked.

The creature nodded, then sat down and sucked the other into his snout. Some crunching sounds could be heard, and then he spat out the stick into the trashcan. Turbo picked up his candied apple and took a bite.

"Mmm, this is good," he said, "Thank you... whoever you are. Where'd you get it?"

The creature responded with more gibberish and one of the symbols looked like a car.

"Ah," Turbo chuckled, not quite understanding but not worrying too much, "And where are you from?"

His answer looked like a hammer, a wrench and a building.

"Not from this game?"

The creature just shook his 'head'.

"Well I hope the others in your game are as nice as you. Got a big scare today. Heh. Some big lummox started yelling at me about 'game jumping' and erasing memories. Really weird. But the others got a laugh out of it."

The creature's eyes grew wide all of the sudden, and whatever he said, he sounded quite surprised. His word balloon had the symbols '!?' in it, and then after a couple seconds, he hung his head.

"You mean... he's in your game?" Turbo asked.

The creature nodded.

"I'm so sorry."

The creature replied with a flurry of gibberish and symbols that Turbo couldn't understand, then hopped away, not looking so much frustrated as in a hurry.

"You sure come and go a lot, Fella," Turbo muttered.


	5. Chapter 5

Warning: This chapter contains a somewhat dirty joke. Not too bad but I'm placing this warning just in case one of you guys is too sensitive. Well, let's continue, shall we?

* * *

Ralph and Vanellope headed back toward Moo-Juice Meadow, along with Taffyta Mutton-Fudge and Minty Zaki.

"So like, HOW did you milk those poor cows?" Taffyta asked, as she sucked on her lollypop.

"I just lifted them up and milked them into the bottles," Ralph replied, "Nothin' to it... except they must've been really full of milk.

"Are you sure they were GIRL COWS?" Minty teased.

"I checked," Ralph growled, "I assure you."

"Did you count the udders?"

"You know," Ralph yelled, "Despite what I look like, I do know how to count, Missy. So will you cut that out?"

"Whoa okay, okay," Minty said, "Calm down, geez."

"Like, what's eatin' him?" Taffyta wondered, "And come to think of it... what COULD eat him?"

Vanellope gave Taffyta a look that told her to shut up, then walked over to Ralph, who had run ahead, possibly to get away from the two comedians.

"Ralph, what's wrong?" she asked, "You've been a bit cranky today."

"Heh, I don't know," Ralph sighed, "A lot of stuff's happened tonight. You see the newcomer?"

"Didn't really get a good look at it. Is it dangerous?"

Ralph's shoulders drooped.

"Lemme guess," Vanellope said, a mischievous twinkle in her eye, "The new game is HERO'S DOODY 2 – CLOG CRISIS! Guess someone's gonna REALLY need to wash his hands now!"

Then she fell over in a fit of laughter.

"Look, kid," Ralph explained, "It's not that... it's Turbo Time."

"Turbo Time?" Vanellope asked, "You mean that nutcase that took over my world?"

Ralph nodded.

"I met him tonight... he's a big jerk, and I wanna keep him outta your world."

"You mean he just got plugged in and already he's mean?"

Vanellope thought for a moment, then grinned.

"I can be a jerk too," she said, "I can be quite a meanie if I wanna. So don't worry your scraggly little... er... not-so-little head, Stink-Brain, 'Cause if that guy tries anything, I'll have him EXECUTED!"

At the word 'executed', Taffyta let out a shriek.

"Oh calm down, Taffyta," Vanellope yelled, "You know I'm kidding! I'd probably just put him in my fungeon for awhile. Oh look, we're here!"

The cows all looked very displeased that Ralph had returned.

"Now," Vanellope announced, "Let an EXPERT show you all how to milk a cow!"

* * *

Q*Bert had to tell Ralph and Felix what he had learned about this Turbo. Looking around, he didn't see anyone on the race track. Hopping through the stadium, he suddenly heard some laughter. Wondering what was going on, Q*Bert hopped closer, and held the side of his head/body to the wall.

"Messin' with the code, huh?" one voice said, "I wonder if we could do just that."

"Yeah," another voice laughed, "We could delete Turbo and make this game our own!"

"But then how would we make up for a missing character? We need three racers!"

"Oh, we can improvise. Point is, we don't need Turbo. We can erase his memories and he can be just another little glitch."

Hearing this, Q*Bert hopped back over to Turbo's room and burst in through the door, trying the best he could to warn Turbo of this danger.

[I gotta get you outta here!] he yelled, but Turbo couldn't understand a word.

"Look, I know you're my friend and all," Turbo said, "But isn't this a strange place to play a guessing game?"

[NO! NO!] Q*Bert reiterated, motioning toward the doorway with his snout, [I need to get you out! The others are planning on rewriting your code! They're gonna kill this game and you with it!]

He hopped behind a bewildered Turbo and started butting the man with his head, trying to push him outside.

"Okay, okay," Turbo said as he was evicted from his room, "You can stay in my room for tonight... but what's all this about?"

Sighing, Q*Bert tried again, using simple words.

[Racers. Trying. To. Kill. You. Must. Escape.]

"Dead race cars?" Turbo asked, shrugging at the mostly indecipherable symbols in the word balloon.

[Videogame. Go. BOOM!]

"A bomb?"

Q*Bert shook his head/body and started pushing Turbo through the stadium toward the portal.

"Oh, no," Turbo said, turning to face his friend, "I'm not going out there! I don't wanna ever deal with that stinky Sasquatch ever again!"

Q*Bert's eyes suddenly grew wide in an expression that said 'Oh crap'.

"You ain't dealing with no one ever again, Turbo," a voice said.

Turbo turned around and a net fell on both him and Q*Bert. Two other racers dressed similar to Turbo stepped into the light and grinned.

"And we ain't dealin' with you neither, Turbo."

With that, both racers let out a guffaw.

* * *

"It's gettin' close to opening time," Felix noted, "I'll go look for Ralph, while you and your men go take a break."

"I guess you're right," Calhoun replied, "But we need to keep watch over this portal. If this Turbo comes out, we must track his every move!"

"You could keep watch alone."

"Yeah," Calhoun nodded, "But a good soldier always keeps a partner in case the going goes from tough to impossible. Besides, we all know what happened a year ago. That game-jumping maniac turned Sugar Rush into a nightmare mixed with Hades, baked into a cake that tasted like death warmed over!"

"They need a break though, and I'll be back to relieve you soon."

"Very well then," Calhoun sighed, "But I better see you and Ralph back here at 09:00. Is that clear?"

Her eyes seemed to say 'Please don't leave me alone.'

"Don't you worry," Felix promised, "I'll be back before you know it!"

As he turned to leave, Slick, Sam, Coily, Ug and Wrongway hopped frantically over to the group.

"What's wrong, guys?" Felix asked.

Coily replied in his usual Q*Bert-ese.

"Gone?"

More Q*Bert-ese.

"Gone where?"

Coily shook his head.

"And he never came back?"

The soldiers groaned. Another break was about to be canceled.

"Well we've got to find him!" Felix declared, "Calhoun and I will look for him at Tapper's. You guys spread out, and Markowski, Pivonka, you stay here to guard the portal."


	6. Chapter 6

Both Turbo and Q*Bert were in big trouble. Turbo was bound and gagged in the corner, and Q*Bert was locked in a canary-style cage, complete with a swing. It was quite tacky, but effective.

Q*Bert lunged at the door of his tiny cage, which was set on a small end table. He didn't know how the characters managed to make a cage in a racing game, but anything was possible. The door was locked with copper wire, something they somehow knew he couldn't untie, but if he could get close enough to where Turbo was tied up, maybe they would have a chance.

The cage wobbled a little, and Q*Bert had some second thoughts. What if this was like falling off the pyramid in his old game? Then again, there was solid ground below it, and it was about a cube's height. Maybe he would make it. Turbo and his own new game depended on it.

He rushed at the side of the cage again, making it wobble some more.

Just a few more shoves, Q*Bert thought, ramming into the side again. One last shove and the cage fell down to the floor. The fall almost knocked the wind(and a few choice words) out of Q*Bert, but he survived.

Good. Now for the second part of the plan.

Righting himself, Q*Bert pushed on the side of the cage, rolling over into Turbo's direction. He misjudged the trajectory of the cage, and ran smack into the wall. Not part of the plan, but perhaps he could change the angle of approach just a little.

Q*Bert pushed the cage in the opposite direction, hitting the wall again. After a few tries, he ran into Turbo, who was watching the whole thing but unable to do much of anything. His legs were bound as well, so turning would be difficult.

[Turn,] Q*Bert said, [Turn around.]

A u-turn symbol showed up in his word balloon, something anyone would understand in this context.

Turbo nodded, and with some difficulty, turned so his back was at the cage. He knocked it away a little, then turned his head to face Q*Bert and tried to apologise. Q*Bert just nodded and gave the 'ok' symbol, then another turn-arrow. It looked like Turbo was starting to understand him a little better. He pushed the cage over to Turbo's hands, and Turbo took hold of one of the bars.

The racer slowly turned the cage until he felt the door and the wire, then went about unwrapping it. Q*Bert, meanwhile, looked nervously at the door, hoping they would both get free before the others returned.

* * *

"Nope, haven't seen them here at all tonight," Tapper replied, "Noticed they brought in that Turbo machine. Never thought they'd get another one after that incident."

"Looks like we're back to square one," Calhoun grumbled.

"What's with the commotion in Game Central, by the way?" Tapper asked.

"We wanna make sure this Turbo doesn't cause another Armageddon."

"I doubt he will," Tapper sighed, "The other games are probably on alert, and believe me, if he ever came in, I'd know."

He shook his head and looked at the counter.

"Poor old fella," Tapper muttered, "If you knew half of what the old Turbo told me, you'd probably not worry."

"What do you mean?" a puzzled Felix asked.

"Every night, he'd come to my place, and it was always the same," Tapper explained, "The rival racers would give him the cold shoulder, talk about him behind his back. The usual."

"You mean-"

Tapper nodded.

"Several times he'd tell me only his fans kept him goin'. When they stopped playin' Turbo Time, one night he said he'd had it. And everyone knows what happened next."

Felix's eyes grew wide with comprehension.

"You mean to say... OH JEEPERS! What've we done? Oh golly I gotta get Ralph RIGHT NOW!"

* * *

Ralph, Vanellope and their traveling companions were just finishing up their little cow-milking lesson when they heard a pair of 'boing boing' footfalls coming their way. They turned to see a purple pig and some kind of creature with no neck or discernible pelvis.

"Hey, Ug, Wrongway," Ralph said, "What brings you here?"

He offered a couple bottles of strawberry milk to them, but they shook their head/bodies and started speaking their Q*Bert-ese, much of which Ralph could not understand as he only had limited command of the language.

"Somethin' the matter?" he asked.

They nodded.

"What's up then? Turbo escaped?"

They shook their head/bodies again, and Ug started toward the portal, while Wrongway pushed Ralph along.

"Eh, looks like I gotta end our little picnic early," Ralph chuckled, trying to swallow the bad feeling he had about this.

Vanellope followed them out, leaving the other two to wonder what was going on.

Once outside, they saw Felix and Calhoun running for the entrance to Sugar Rush.

"Oh Ralph, you will not believe what we just found out!" Felix panted.

"What's going on here?" Ralph asked, "Did Turbo show his ugly face outside his game?"

"Oh no," Calhoun replied, "It's much worse than that. First of all, Q*Bert has gone M.I.A., and second of all, we might be creating a monster out of this wet-behind-the-ears racer."

"Um, what?"

"In plain English, Q*Bert is missing, and it turns out the other Turbo was treated very badly by his fellow racers."

Felix nodded.

"Tapper told us everything. Turbo missed being played and well, the other racers didn't like him all that much. He had no friends in his own world, and the only thing keepin' him goin' was his fans."

"You mean... he was just like I was?" Ralph asked, his stomach twisting into a knot at the sudden realization.

"Exactly, civilian," Calhoun said, "For someone so evil and twisted, he had one whale of a tragic tale. I almost feel sorry for that conniving game-jumper."

Ralph's heart sank at those words. No wonder Turbo did what he did. Worse, history would probably repeat itself thanks to his rash actions.

"It's all my fault," Ralph sighed, "I guess it's in my code though... I was built to wreck things. Now I just wrecked a game."

"Now look, Ralph," Felix said, standing as tall as he could, "This is no time to feel sorry for ourselves. We can both fix our mistakes later – right now, we gotta find Q*Bert before the arcade opens!"

* * *

Turbo carefully untwisted the wire, trying his hardest to keep from making a sound. Finally, the wire was undone, and it slid into the cage. Now to open the door.

Q*Bert braced himself against the other side of the cage, and pushed on the door with his feet. The door itself was held shut with a snap-lock, keeping it from flying open. After a few pushes, the door sprung open and Q*Bert tried to wiggle his way out the narrow opening. The way the rogue racers had unceremoniously stuffed him in was quite uncomfortable, almost dislocating his snout, and as it was, he could barely fit through. Without hands, pushing his way out would be quite the chore.

He braced himself against one side of the cage, and tried jumping through. It was quite a bad move, as the force was just enough to push Q*Bert halfway through. Turbo tried to look behind him, but couldn't see Q*Bert inside the cage. His hands could feel the top of Q*Bert's head though, and he tried to get a good hold and pull his friend through. A pained Q*Bert-ese yelp made him stop, and he pushed his friend back into the cage.

The situation was beyond infuriating, and Q*Bert had to think of a solution quickly. Poking his snout through the opening, Q*Bert touched it to the knot in the rope that tied Turbo's hands. There was a way to untie knots, and Q*Bert could use his snout for suction – it was how he ate, after all. He inhaled deeply, trying to loosen and untie it.

After a few marginally successful tries, the knot began to loosen. Taking a breather for a couple seconds, Q*Bert looked around again and listened for any footfalls. Satisfied that for now they were not in immediate danger, he inhaled again, untying part of the knot. It was a simple one, easy for anyone with hands to untie, but since Q*Bert had only a snout and little time to spare, it would be a different story.

Another few tries, and the ropes loosened. Q*Bert had thought of using one of the dummied-out features – shooting projectiles out of his snout – but he doubted the effectiveness of such a maneuver, and it was likely that said projectiles would end up hurting his friend.

Once the ropes became loose enough, Turbo slipped his hands out of them, slowly and carefully, and then removed the crude gag from his mouth.

"Thanks, little Fella," he said, "Now to get you outta here too!"

Q*Bert shook his head/body and pointed toward the door.

"Not enough time for that? Well, I'm still takin' you with me!"

[No!], Q*Bert said, his word-balloon showing a big 'X', [Not enough time! Go! Get help!]

"I'm not going without you, Fella," Turbo declared, "I'm taking you out there with me, back to your friends and family!"

With that, despite Q*Bert's protests, Turbo picked up the cage and held it carefully, went to the door and opened it, and looked outside for any sign of the other racers. Seeing that the place was deserted, Turbo made a break for the exit portal. Just as they were a few meters from the exit, Q*Bert let out a panicked [DANGER!]

"Well lookie what the 'cab' dragged in," a familiar voice intoned.

Turbo whirled around to see one of his rival racers.

"Th-throttle?" Turbo cried out, "Why are you doing this?"

"We're not gonna put up with you anymore, Turbo," another voice said.

Someone yanked the cage out of Turbo's hands.

"Speed-Machine? Please stop! He's my friend! Let him go back to his place!"

"We'll let him free if you come back with us," Throttle offered.

Q*Bert shook his head/body again, and pleaded with Turbo: [NO! NO! Go out there! Tell them!]

Turbo froze for a second, then started toward the exit.

"You sure they'll listen?" Speed-Machine jeered.

Turbo stopped in his tracks again, remembering how the giant had scared him, and given him a warning to stay in his own game. It gave the two racers ample time to grab him by the arms and start dragging him back to the building.

[PLEASE! GO TELL THEM! GO OUTSIDE!] Q*Bert yelled, and Turbo looked at his friend, seeing the large '!' in his word balloon.

Trusting the strange creature, and gaining a little faith, Turbo made a powerful lunge, imagining himself taking a sharp curve. He threw Throttle against the building wall, and with another lunge tossed Speed-machine toward the track. Taking one last look at his friend, silently promising to come back, Turbo sprinted to the exit and sat on the small tram.

"Hurry!" he shouted, "I need to get outta here pronto!"

With a jerk, the tram made its way to the door, which opened to a large chamber, something that looked like a station. As Turbo was stepping out of the doorway, a blue man dressed in a vertical-striped outfit appeared.

"Random security check," he said.

"I got no time for this!" Turbo yelled, "It's important! I gotta friend in there who needs help!"

"Never heard that one before," the man said, "Now state your name."

"Turbo," the frantic racer answered, "Now will you please let me through? I need to get help! The other guys in my game are holding him prisoner!"

"Just calm down," the man replied, "Got anything to declare? Are you carrying any fresh fruits or vegetables?"

"I don't HAVE any of that and the only thing I got to declare is this is an EMERGENCY! Please listen to me!"

"Just listen to the nice man, jerk," another voice said.

Turbo looked to see who was speaking, only to see two guns pointed at him.

"What is this all about?" Turbo asked, "What did I do?"


	7. Chapter 7

"Well, it looks like we got a new man for this game," Throttle chuckled, "All we need to do is see if we can program him to drive."

"Yeah, and if we can't, he can be the loser!" Speed-Machine added with a laugh.

"I wonder if Turbo's made it outside."

"Should we go after him?"

"We'll do it pretty soon. But first, we're gonna find out how this coding works. It's a bit of a jungle in there, and we may need some help. From our little friend."

Throttle looked over at the orange basketball thingy with feet and the weird nose, and grinned.

Q*Bert just sighed and looked at the door, silently praying that Turbo was able to get some help.

* * *

"Hey, have you seen Q*Bert anywhere?" Ralph asked a random passerby, who just silently shook his head and went on his way.

"This is useless," Ralph sighed, "And it's my fault. Maybe he died somewhere. Poor guy."

"You givin' up NOW, Stink-Brain?" Vanellope asked, "You didn't give up when that dirty rat King Candy almost killed you!"

"But we've asked almost everyone here! All except for those newcomers who talk kinda funny... you know, those guys who talk with word balloons... hey wait a minute! I wonder if one of them's seen him!"

"I'm still brushin' up on my Q*Bert-ese," Felix said, "And I doubt they'll understand it, but it'd be worth a shot."

They followed a green woman who looked very similar to the strange people. She had leaves growing out of her hair, and vine-like designs on her skin. Her dress was also made of leaves, and her shoes looked like they came out of one of the Zelda or Final Fantasy games.

"Um hey, Miss," Felix called, running up to the woman.

"Uh, sul-sul," the woman said, offering her hand.

They shook hands, and then the group continued, following the woman to the new portal. There, they saw a whole crowd of the strange people.

[Have you seen an orange man that looks like a basketball with legs?] Felix asked in his rusty Q*Bert-ese.

The person he talked to, a blond man with a mustache and goatee, spoke in angry sounding gibberish, then faced away, plugging his ears like a child and saying "Laa-laa-laaa!" before berating him again and then walking away.

"Well, these people sure don't sound friendly," Felix declared.

He then looked around for others to see if they would be more personable. He saw a man in a brown suit and green glasses talking with a ponytailed woman in a black, gothic dress. In his word balloon, Felix saw a picture of Q*Bert, and listened to how the man talked.

Stepping up to them, Felix asked the man, [Q*Bert?]

The man gave him a puzzled look and scratched his head, then said, "Sul-sul."

Then, he heard some familiar Q*Bert-ese. It was Coily, talking with a black-haired, bespectacled man wearing a purple sun-moon design shirt.

His word balloon showed a monochrome picture of Felix, then one of Ralph, and then Q*Bert. The man replied in his strange language, his word balloon showing pictures of the man that Felix had just spoken to, and another one with a bowl cut and large, green glasses. There was a short exchange, and the two seemed to have a marginal understanding of each other's language. Finally, a picture of Q*Bert came up, and then a portal, before they stopped chatting and a couple of pictures, ones of two 'people symbols with ++ signs, briefly appeared over their heads.

Felix went over to Coily and asked him what the man said.

[Q*Bert went into game portal,] the snake replied.

[Which game?] Felix asked.

Coily shook his head.

[He doesn't know.]

"This isn't much help," Felix lamented, "Oh Q*Bert... where are you?"

* * *

"Alright, Turbo," the surge protector said, "Looks like you can go now. Just make sure to be aware of your surroundings, and don't cause any havoc inside other games."

Seeing that he was free to go, Turbo had no time to lose. Even if he had to risk getting shot, he had to take it and hope that his ability to maneuver would help. He looked at one of the other portals, than put on his best scared face and let out a scream.

Startled, the two soldiers pointed their guns at whatever Turbo had seen. Turbo saw the opening and made a run for it, just before the soldiers realised they had been duped.

* * *

Just then, Felix heard a commotion from across the hub. Turning, Felix saw someone he thought he would never see again: Turbo. Ralph was starting toward the man, who started running in the opposite direction.

"Hey wait!" Ralph called after Turbo, "I've got somethin' important to tell you!"

"Can it wait?" Turbo yelled back, trying to avoid hitting anyone.

Calhoun was already giving Turbo chase on her hoverboard. He was quite fast, but most game characters would get winded in a relatively short time.

"It can't wait, civilian!" Calhoun called to him, "Why are you out here?"

"I've got to get help!" Turbo pleaded, "But people with GUNS are after me! Why didn't anyone tell me there'd be so many violent and scary video games here?"

"Now hold on a minute!" Calhoun snapped, taking out her communicator and hailing Markowski.

"Markowski! Pivonka! Stand down!" she ordered.

Then to Turbo, she said, "Stop running so fast! You could hurt someone here, and if you die outside your game, it's Game Over – forever!"

Turbo complied, reluctantly, and slowed to a stop.

"Were those guys you talked to the ones who were chasing me?"

Calhoun nodded.

"I told them to watch you," she said, "But I guess they take their programming very seriously."

"Look if you're gonna arrest me, arrest me," Turbo sighed, "Take me to your own game if you have to. Just help me rescue my buddy! He's not from my game, and the other guys – Throttle and Speed-Machine – they're holding him captive!"

"We'll see about that," Calhoun replied, "But right now we're lookin' for someone from my husband's game. He's gone missing, and if he isn't found by the time the place opens, the game will glitch."

"Glitch?" Turbo asked, as the others caught up with him and Calhoun, "What's that?"

"It has to do with a game not behaving how it should – like when a character is missing. Happened years ago. You know what happens to games that glitch? They get unplugged."

"Hey guys," Ralph panted, "What's going on?"

"Markowski and Pivonka are being a little overzealous, it seems," Calhoun replied.

"Well," Turbo said sheepishly, "Part of it could be... I did trick them. It was just so important that I had to. My buddy is in big trouble, and I need help – badly!"

"I can help you," Ralph offered.

"Yeah, like you did earlier?" Turbo scoffed.

Dejected, Ralph hung his head.

"Look, Turbo," he said, "I have something important to tell you too."

"Okay," Turbo sighed, "Make it quick."

"I'm sorry."

"Is this a joke?"

"No," Ralph said, "I really am sorry for treating you the way I did without even knowing you. See, years ago, we had another Turbo Time game, and it was popular for a long time until a new game came along. That Turbo was jealous because everyone was playing that game instead of with him. So one night, he jumped into that game and the next day, both games glitched and got unplugged. Turbo hid in the Sugar Rush game and messed with the programming and memories of all the characters, and he programmed them to be very mean to my friend Vanellope. Then years later, he tried to kill her... I almost died saving her life and her game."

"And you thought I was going to do the same?" Turbo asked, "Is that why you went in and scared the bits outta me?"

Ralph sighed. Turbo had him there.

"That's not the whole reason," he continued, "I saw you knocking the other racers down, and hurting them. I've been bullied for years, until Felix told the Nicelanders to treat me better."

"I didn't mean to knock them down," Turbo said, "It's something I can't control. It's in my code. And it looks like with all those neat, colourful games here, I'll never get played anyway."

Ralph put a hand on Turbo's shoulder, and wasn't surprised when the man flinched.

"Don't worry," he reassured Turbo, "I'm never gonna bully you again! In fact, I'm gonna help you. What does your buddy look like? What's his name?"

"I don't know," Turbo replied, still wary of the giant, "He talks kinda funny."

At those words, something dawned on Ralph.

"Wait, wait," Ralph said, "This buddy of yours... does he look kinda like a basketball with feet... and a big nose?"

"Yes... why?" Turbo asked.

"Because, he belongs in my game, Fix-It Felix Jr.! Hey Felix! Come on over here! We know where Q*Bert is! He's in Turbo Time!"

"What?" Felix shouted, running up to where Calhoun had stopped.

"I said, 'Q*Bert is in Turbo Time'," Ralph repeated, "And according to Turbo, he's in deep trouble!"

Ralph took off to the Turbo Time portal, with his friends and Turbo following close behind.


	8. Chapter 8

Final chapter and epilogue. And well, I got the idea for a certain character's new name from a kind of molasses that you get from the final pressing of sugar cane. It's called 'Blackstrap', and it takes a little getting used to, but it's quite tasty. This fic didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it, but it was sure fun to write. Anyhoo, on to the final chapter!

* * *

Once in the portal, Ralph noticed something odd going on. Many of the sprites were glitching, and the track looked different than it had when he had first arrived.

"Where was Q*Bert... your buddy... the last time you saw him?" he asked Turbo.

"He was out here, but maybe they put him back in that building over there!"

Turbo pointed to a generic-looking red box-building with a window and a door.

Just then, they heard someone yelling in Q*Bert-ese in the distance, and turned to see a car zooming on the track, with Q*Bert in it.

"Oh no!" Turbo cried, "He's gonna crash!"

Turbo ran to the track, waiting for Q*Bert's car to approach. As the car went by, he grabbed onto it, and held on while the car dragged him along.

"Ow! Ooh that pavement's rougher than it looks!" he yelped.

Two other cars could be seen on the other side of the track, but were drawing closer to Q*Bert's car. Turbo pulled himself up to the driver's seat, trying to reach for the brake, all the while coughing from the exhaust fumes.

"It's okay, Fella... er I mean, Q*Bert," Turbo said, "I got some help. First we gotta stop this car!"

Q*Bert yelled something, and his word balloon had a triangle with a '!' in the middle.

The sound of two other cars could be heard from behind, and Turbo knew his rival racers were gaining on him.

"Looks like we gotta get some distance from these guys first."

One of them got close enough to ram into the side of Turbo's car, and the other was tapping his rear bumper.

"This looks bad. Just gotta go faster!"

Q*Bert said some indecipherable but encouraging words, with an 'O.K.' sign in his word balloon among the other symbols.

Suddenly, Ralph grabbed one of the rival cars and tossed it off the race track, while Calhoun shot some holes in the other, letting air out of the tyres. Both cars were out of play, and disappeared, respawning a few meters away.

"Go on, Turbo, head for the Finish Line!" Ralph called, "I'll keep 'em busy!"

The giant lay down on the track, watching for the cars to approach, which they did at full speed. As they did, he drew his legs back and gave both cars a powerful kick. Looking back, he saw that Turbo was getting close to the Finish Line."

The cars respawned again, and he watched as they drove off the track near one of the glitched areas. He had to act fast, so Ralph took a flying leap and tackled one of them. Calhoun and Markowski re-loaded and aimed for the other, but couldn't get a clear shot; it was getting too close to Turbo's car, and they couldn't risk hurting Q*Bert.

As they drew closer to the Finish Line, the remaining car was riding Turbo's bumper.

"Come on Turbo... you can do it... just a little faster," Turbo told himself, planting his foot firmly on the gas pedal.

Meanwhile, Calhoun followed the remaining car with her gun's site, aiming for the area just behind it.

"Wait!" Felix yelled, pulling the gun away, "They're too close! You could end up killing Q*Bert!"

"There's method to my madness," Calhoun explained, "I'm not aiming for the car. Just watch."

She aimed and fired, hitting the track and grazing the rear wheels of the car that was tailing Turbo. The force was enough to make it veer off course, into a wall. It flipped, and the driver got out and kicked the wreckage before it disappeared.

They all watched with bated breath as Turbo crossed the finish line, and all the glitched sprites reverted to their original forms.

* * *

"You know, I'm surprised at you two!" Felix scolded, "You are part of a game, and you guys should work as a team! You know what happens when you fool with the programming?"

"Your game glitches," Calhoun answered for him, giving Speed-Machine a deadly glare.

"I thought all good guys were treated nicely and lived the good live, you know," Ralph added, pacing the track and looking very ticked, "But you treat him like dirt just because you're second and third bananas! You know how the people in my game treated me? You know what happens when you mistreat a fellow game character? I almost quit my game because of people like you!"

Felix nodded.

"You two should be ashamed of yourselves!"

"But we just didn't like being hurt by him," Throttle countered.

"Yeah, it's a pain in the bit getting knocked down whenever he wins," Speed-Machine grumbled, "When they tested us, we got beaten so many times, and it hurts when you feel like you're a nothing."

"I know how it feels," Ralph said, "Whenever Felix wins, I get knocked off a tall building into a mud puddle. Been doing that for over thirty years. I know what you're going through, and maybe a friend of mine can help."

"And I think I could teach you guys how to fall so it doesn't hurt," Felix offered, "There's lotsa ways to make the whole video game experience a whole lot smoother for non-player characters.

"By the way, Turbo," Ralph said, "Would you like to come to the next Bad-Anon meeting with me? I mean I know you're not a bad guy, but I think you'd really like some of the guys and gals there. They're really cool people... just watch out for Bowser's breath though... especially when he catches a cold."

Turbo considered it for a moment, then looked up at Ralph and smiled.

"Sure," he said, "Will they be serving candied apples?"

"I dunno about that," Ralph replied, "But they do have some really good coffee and cookies, and I think Bison's buying donuts tonight. Besides that, we get free cherries – humongous cherries. Trust me, you'll really like it there."

* * *

"I'm a pretty darned good racer, but my problem is I'm programmed to shove the others off the pedestal when I win. It's a real letdown after a sweet victory, if you know what I mean. I just don't like hurting people," Turbo said, as he stood in the circle.

The others nodded.

"I don't like hurting people either," Bison piped up, "I used to hate being a bad guy, but I realized, that some people do think I'm cool, and it's best to focus on the ones who care about you."

"You must learn to like yourself," Saitine added, "You have a special role in your game, and without you, your game will be nothing."

"Game is more than sum of parts... urrgh..." a zombie groaned, "Every part counts... good guys... bad guys... all in it togethurrr."

Turbo smiled and sat down. Clyde then made his speech.

"In light of recent events, we will be welcoming some good guys. Our goal is to help characters accept themselves for who they are. We can't let prejudice get in the way of understanding and acceptance. So next week, bring Throttle and Speed-Machine with you. Oh, and we also will be holding some Q*Bert-ese and Simlish classes. Understanding different languages is a vital part of connecting with and accepting different characters. Now we will close by reciting the Bad Guys Anonymous Motto."

They joined hands and closed their eyes.

"I am bad, and that is good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's nobody I'd rather be, than me."

* * *

Three months later, Turbo and the rest of the residents of his world had to evacuate. It was no fault of their own, as the game had functioned perfectly after that night. The problem was, the game just wasn't that popular, and some of the paint was showing wear. The one buying the game was said to be a collector.

"I don't know what to do now," Turbo sighed, staring into his drink at Tapper's, "Without a home... what am I?"

"Oh, I think I have a solution," Ralph said, "Just come with me. I know the perfect game for you and the other guys."

* * *

"I don't know about this."

"Aww come on," Vanellope cajoled, "You're gonna be adopted. We'll just hafta work with you guys' code a little... maybe give you a few decorations and bake you a new kart! It'll be fun!"

"Trust her," Ralph said, "Just give it a try. If you don't like it, we'll still do what we can to help."

"Well, alright," Turbo shrugged as he followed Vanellope to the Kart-baking mini-game.

"I know this'll work," Ralph said to himself, "I just know it."

* * *

"And in third place," Sour Bill announced in his dead-pan fashion, "Blackstrap Moe."

"Next time it'll be First, Sourpuss!" a man dressed in a gingerbread coloured suit trimmed with red vine licorice and white frosting, and a cherry-shaped helmet, yelled back as he parked his gingerbread themed kart.

Ralph and his friends gathered around Blackstrap's kart, and each gave him a high-five.

"You know, you were awesome today, Turbo," Ralph said, offering the man a glass of cold pink lemonade from the lemonade fountain.

"I'm gonna be a whole lot better next race," Turbo replied, "And by the way, thank you for helping me find a new home. It's not Turbo Time, but the players really seem to like me... almost as much as they like Vanellope of course. Being second-banana isn't half-bad."

Ralph smiled, then helped himself to a candied apple.

Throttle and Speed-Machine had also been adopted and were given the names "Green Mochi" and "Shirokuma". The announcer and other NPCs worked with the camera crew and really spruced up the game.

Ralph himself was learning more Q*Bert-ese and some Simlish, and he even made a few Sim friends. Some things change, while others stay the same. Games were starting to adopt the homeless characters, since nobody knew when his or her game would be unplugged, and it was nice to have a home. The recent incident had been a blessing in disguise and made Ralph realize even more that no matter how bad things could get, there was a way to make them better.

As he thought about that, Ralph took a bite out of his candied apple, then got an earful from a gummy worm he had apparently almost bitten in half. Chuckling, he set the apple aside and picked a new one, hoping to not find another surprise. Despite the occasional worm in the apple, Ralph thought, life was pretty sweet.


End file.
